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Friday, June 23, 2017

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Restoring the Legacy of a Great Man, and Correcting the Vernacular...


Thomas Crapper was a great man.  He held nine patents.  He was responsible, if not the actual inventor of the flushing toilet, for its widespread proliferation.  Because of Mr. Crapper’s business acumen, we do not have to do our "business" in stinking wooden shacks in hot or cold weather, into a disease and insect-ridden hole in the ground.  Thomas Crapper is a hero of the world.  We repaid him by allowing his name to be shortened and associated with human feces.  "Crap" is a word on the borderline of profanity.  I know that some people dispute that Mr. Crapper’s name is the source of the word.  It has to be; the other explanations for the etymology of the expression are too strained to be believable.

It is an insult to a great man to refer to human feces, lies, obfuscation and difficulty by his surname.  I therefore have devised a solution, designed to remove the word "crap" from the vernacular.  In every instance where you are tempted to use the word "crap," or a more profane version thereof, substitute the surname of a prominent Democrat.  This is an appropriate substitution, considering the vast departure from reality and sanity that their allegations and positions represent.  This will vindicate the name of a great historical giant, while simultaneously reminding everyone as to the true nature of prominent Democrats and their positions on issues, which if ratified, will destroy the Republic.

Here are some examples of this vernacluar cleanup in action:

  • "Man, this new puppy can be exasperating.  The little guy did a huge Pelosi on my finest Persian rug!"
  • "We all know you are lying!  So cut the Teddy-Kennedy and tell us what really happened!"
  • "Yeah, my husband is a slob!  He just took a huge Streisand and now the bathroom is disgusting!"
  • "My car just broke down and I am late for work.  My boss saw me come in late and now I am in a world of Harry Reid!"
  • "These guys who believe that the President blew up the World Trade Center are full of Charlie Rangel!"
  • "Man, it’s snowing, my car broke down, and I got a ticket.  This is turning out to be a real Murtha day!"

See, if we just apply ourselves a little, we’ll remind the people of those who truly deserve to be associated with human feces, and vindicate the name of a great man, who made all of our lives easier.